Afterwards....

As the dust clears, you see what is left of your 'companion'. She's lost the mouth to talk you down with, the eyes to glare at you with, the thoughts to haunt you with, and the hand to stab you in the back. Her body is left in such a way that resembles what she truly is: a snake. It then gets up and slithers away, no doubt to find another all-too trusting friend to slowly murder. You look as the sword, made up of all your combined hatred, malice, and rage for the betrayer, finally break to pieces and disappear within the ground. Your wounds then start to finally heal, and you feel relief from their constant and agonizing pain. You finally feel free of the endless burden of everything that was hidden from you, yet affecting you from the beginning. When all the dust completely settles, you realize who's looking at you. It's your true friends, the ones who have not hurt you. The ones who would stand by your side in times of strife. The ones who care about you not for the benefits they get from you, but because they know how they can help you as you have tried to help them. They know you for your character, not your benefits.

However, the stress of this whole situation has tested the entire fabric of the bonds between both you and your friends. Your trust has been tested, and they can tell, for every fight has casualties. Some rush to your aid and help you on your feet again right away while others seem to linger and dawdle around the subject of what just happened. You can feel the dawdlers judging you, trying to determine if you were justified or completely unwarranted. Many know you were correct,that she was a cancerous cell to you and others, but some still waver at the idea of you actually showing your violent emotions like that toward someone you considered for a long time to be a friend. You notice a new crack in your shield where there wasn't one before, as well as several new dents. For your shield is your personal mental, physical, and emotional stability, and everyone falters when left alone.  

Bemusings on Betrayal (part 2)

Then, it happens. The epiphany sent by pure luck and chance to make things right. The reflective back of your shield catches the reflection in the dagger and sends it straight to you like a pony express messenger. The reflection reveals your back and ,most importantly, the numerous times you've been stabbed there. You see wound after wound, some still dripping blood while others are dried shut. You then remember this has happened before. The exact same event, with the exact same 'friend', and creating the exact same reactions from both of you. You then see why you had forgotten, you had become so used to the pain and suffering that you couldn't feel it anymore.

Now, you're livid. Not just because of the memories and the inaction you took, but because the dagger was never sheathed. As your 'friend' raises the dagger again, you quickly raise your sword and slice her hand off. She screams the most blood-curdling scream you've ever heard. You almost feel bad for doing the deed, until she starts spreading lies. "He cut me! He's a traitor to all of us!" She tells your other friends who you've trusted and kept watch over. Luckily, they know better, for they've seen your back much more than you have and just never had the heart to tell you. They thought you too innocent, too pure, too good-humored to see what was being done to you.

Well, who's laughing now?

You call out to her, with the utmost rage and insanity being held back only by your morals and petty forgiveness. You denounce her for everything she's ever done to you, all the pain she caused you, all the pieces of you she cut out, all the lies and misinformation she's spread. Then, you tell her how you've forgiven her, counting the scars on your back, a total of almost 51 times and this is how she repays you. She then tells the whole truth "I was never your friend, OK? I just felt like you needed my help and I had to keep it that way!"

You raise your sword again.

"What do you think you're doing?! You still need me, especially now!"

No, you don't..... 

Bemusings on Betrayal (part 1)

There are many great pains in the world. Headaches, migraines, romantic rejection, acid reflux, anxiety, blunt-force trauma, and PTSD to name a few. However, none of these even compare to the one great pain of being stabbed in the back by someone you trusted. The strike itself comes with a bit of a surprise. No one could've expected it, especially since she was your friend. You had spent the majority of middle school talking to each other, getting to know each other, and understanding each other's interest. You realize, now, it was just manipulation. As soon as the blade is removed, there is an even sharper pain that worms and twists it's way through your body like some sort of unwanted parasite. It works it's way through your spine, past the lungs, and right to your heart. The biggest organ in your body now has a hole in it not by your actions, but another's misguided pride. You fall forward, the eternal protection you had for your friends is put on the back-foot and falters for a few minutes, the shield doing nothing but reflecting yourself with the appearance of a shattered mirror (a fitting form for the occasion). Until this point you've done nothing but sacrifice to please her, sacrifice to keep the balance, sacrifice to benefit from one another's company. Now, you realize what you've wasted on her to have her by your side only for her to find your weakest point and capitalize on it. with this in mind, you twist. Not just physically, but mentally. "How could she do this?" "I thought we were friends?" "I've done nothing but be generous and kind and helpful and this is how she repays me?!" You go from the back-foot to forward. Your shield is now upright, however, in the opposite direction. She cowers at the scene. "It was only a joke." "You'd destroy what you've built this quickly?" "It was only a little fun." After glancing into your stern eyes for a long time, realizing her petty excuses are getting her nowhere, she says the two words: "I'm sorry." Your eyes go back to how they were, your mood has shifted back to what it was, and you go to turn back to the overall threats to your friends. She thinks she's won.     

A Poem (because why not)

“If we were all made of diamonds, then no one would be able to move”

That’s what they say

“Keep your actions and soul pure, then the right one will come”

Tried that

“Why didn’t you just stay with her, then? She said she loved you”

But did she really mean it?

Does anyone really mean it?

‘I love you’ has been tossed in my face so many times

And kisses have been shoved onto me so much

I scarcely feel them anymore

For it’s only been used to betray, destroy, and harm me

In such a way that it can never be forgiven

By both family and ‘friends’

Not the good ones, mind you

The ones who know how I feel and how to make me feel better

But the ones who would rather kick me than lift a finger to help

The ones who would rather ground me than let me fly

The ones who would rather stab me than bandage me

The ones who would rather hurt me more

Than heal my broken and dismembered body, spirit, or mind

The ones who would rather push me in a hole

than dig me out of one

Why?

What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?

When all I attempt to do is help others

To make them feel better

When all I do is work hard at my jobs

So I can get good at them

When all I do is spread happiness

Because I know what it's like to feel down...

Really down....

Almost to the point of no return....

So why, then,

Do they continue to chip away at me

As if I am trying to hurt them?

Why, then,

Do they continue to manipulate others around me

To try and plunge me back into that dark abyss?

Why, then,

Do they try to put themselves above me as if I need their help

When they know I can and have taken care of myself?

Is it really because they love me

As they always say?

Or is it more because they envy me

And try to sabotage everything I've done and will do

Just so they can laud themselves

And cast me aside like always

So it goes....

A Few Things From Q1

A few things I've learned from these past few months of working both in and outside of school are these: Life is full of downs and ups, no matter how hard you work. However, it is also emotionally profitable to keep your spirits high, even in your darkest hour. I've come to realize this in many ways and form many avenues of experience. A major way I've come to this epiphany is through marching band. In several ways throughout the season, I had both grievances and delights (as did everyone else) and the one thing that kept everyone focused and on-track after we had expressed these feelings was our combined spirit for the band's success as well as our willpower to keep the band as successful as it had been through the season. Another way I've found this is not just through events I'm an active leader in however, but also in my own personal life. There have been (and probably will be) several times in my life I've either felt really sad/depressed as well as ecstatic and overjoyed about things. While the sad and depressed parts would obviously throw me off track in life, the overly-happy parts also had the similar effect of losing focus because of things such as over-confidence and feeling excessively luxurious in my ecstatic state. Whether I was in the middle of being up or down in my mood either way would cause me to fall off-track with my overall focuses in life, which would then lead me into a seemingly almost never ending depressed state (since I would come to see this loss of focus as failure). With time, however, I gained an understanding through maturity that whether you're happy or sad does not dictate your willpower to strive for a vision and goals in life. This has lead me on what I feel is a better path than before that could not only lead to furthering my overall maturity and professionalism, but also help to 'keep my head in the game' and never lose focus of where I see myself in the next twenty,thirty,forty,or even sixty years.

Priorities and their Problems

Priorities, the bane of every living human being's existence. A construct of finding out what's most important in our lives and executing these tasks in chronological order based upon that fact. The only problem is, everything's important to somebody (and that somebody is your boss /coach /teacher /parents /etc.).
In all, personal priorities are good to have. They allow you to sort your daily tasks based on what is the most important to you for that day. It allows us to keep on top of things and not let assignments or jobs slip through our fingers and become missed opportunities. The problem with priorities, however, is that people are going to try to manipulate them not matter what they are if you have a conflict in times tasks need to get done. This can get extremely annoying and only causes the stress that having priorities was supposed to eliminate become recreated through pressure from two people who area the heads of certain areas of your life. This has happened to me several times throughout my high school career, especially at school itself. For instance, there was one time where I had 2 advanced placement biology labs due on the same night. Not only was that in itself pretty ridiculous, but what was more ridiculous was that they were due on the soccer team's senior night (which I was still a member of). Now, in terms of priorities this wouldn't have been a problem, simply just put AP biology before soccer. However, senior night WAS MANDATORY FOR ALL PLAYERS TO ATTEND THE WHOLE NIGHT, which ended up ending at 10:30pm EST. I had literally no time to even think about what I was writing down as I tried desperately to do my science labs up until 1:00am the next morning (the only reason I had stopped was because I had other classes to attend and realized if I stayed up the whole night all of my grades would get worse).
Now, the easy way people will find around this is "Well, why didn't you just do it when it was first assigned rather than wait till the last minute?" Well I'll tell you why high school student that is smart enough to be in honors and AP level classes but takes all general or CP classes that has probably never had any problems with this kind of thing: I had five other assignments due throughout the time period I was given from all of my other classes at the school. "Well, then why didn't you use the weekend, like me?" Maybe because my family consistently plans these 'surprise excursions' to Columbus and Niles, Ohio seemingly every bloody weekend AP student who does nothing outside of school other than 1-2 things. The reason I went on this rant is to show one thing: priorities only work for people who do little or very specific things. For me, as a broad-range student who participates in various classes, clubs, and sports, EVERYTHING always clashes with SOMETHING (and it always ends with everyone screaming at me).

Why Versailles Failed (Part 2)

Because of the blame of the First World War not being able to really go to anyone else on the losing side, Germany was forced to take it even though they hadn't even started the war in the first place. This would then cause the entire country of Germany to go bankrupt due to all the massive war reparations put on it by the Allied Powers. This would then cause German politics to shift so drastically that the kaiser (king) of Germany would resign, creating a power vacuum and allowing for the popular rise of one particular German soldier who tried painting once but instead decided to lead Germany with an iron fist and plunge the world into the Second World War (I'm pretty sure you know who I'm referring to by this point). However, Versailles did not just fail in keeping Germany pacified to the point where they wouldn't want revenge. Versailles also failed in a completely different category with the League of Nations. First off, the League of Nations was basically the early United Nations. It was proposed by Woodrow Wilson, the president of America at the time, and was the one point of his famous 14 points that actually got implemented into Versailles. Wilson also wanted Germany to be treated fairly when losing, which caused the French Prime Minister to laugh as he signed the document that would create the next World War in which his country would crumble to the ground within the first 2 years. Passive aggressiveness aside, the League would be responsible for world peace at any cost. However, it was terribly corrupt and had very little power  to do anything. For one, the League had no volunteer force like the modern U.N. It instead relied solely on treaties and paperwork for promises and had no real way to enforce anything that was written down. This would be seen when Italy would use gas weapons and commit atrocities towards Ethiopia in their second invasion of it. The League was also corrupt because there were only Western Powers that were represented in it, which excluded Asian and African countries altogether. This was why the Treaty of Versailles ultimately failed: it had the ability to have and keep the world at peace, yet only ended up creating higher tensions and revealing weaknesses in diplomatic systems that would have the world go through another world war to finally fix.